I have three kids and I love them dearly. For me there is
nothing better than lying in bed next to your child. I love to feel their warm
little bodies snuggled closely next to mine, feeling their bodies relax as they
slowly drift back to sleep. I am not saying
that I have not on occasion fallen into the trap of bringing your child into
your bed because all you want to do is go back to sleep but let me make my
position very clear from the start: Children are to sleep in their OWN bed
period (or full stop as we say in Africa).
Your bed is to be shared between you and your spouse and is
to be reserved for sleeping and marital relations only. I feel so strongly
about the sanctity of the bedroom that when we got married I made it quite
clear to my husband that we will never have a television set in our bedroom and
we are not allowed to argue in our bedroom.
As often happens in life there is the clear cut rule and
then there the necessary adjustments to facilitate reality. Allow me to clarify.
I am not discussing co sleeping. While I am not personally a
fan of this parenting approach, I do recognize the benefits of remaining
close to your new born baby even at night. However, I must warn that co
sleeping has to be done in a safe manner (invest in a safe co sleeper) and has
to be a consensual agreement between both partners. Parents must also accept
that there has to be a point where your baby is transitioned into their own
crib. Just like transitioning a toddler from their crib to a bed takes time and
patience so too, this extra transition will take some effort but will ultimately help your child to learn to sleep independently.
Many moms have confessed to me that when their baby wakes up
at night they bring their baby to their bed to nurse and drift off back to
sleep with the baby in their bed. I know that I have done it too but I always
tried to take the baby back to their own crib as soon as possible. This type of
accidental co sleeping could result in sleep issues as the baby grows
accustomed to sleeping next to mom and it is unsafe for the baby.
I have said many times before that part of our job as
parents is to teach our children how to sleep. Part of this process is teaching
them how to sleep in their own beds for the whole sleep duration. Obviously
there are going to be those nights where your children wake up scared, they
have had a nightmare or are feeling sick. I suggest lying with your child in
their bed and helping them fall asleep in their own space.
If you do feel the tug of blankets as your child tries to
climb into your bed undetected in the middle of the night gently lead them back
to their own bed and stay with them until they fall asleep again. If they do
manage to come into your bed undetected and you wake up in the morning next to
a little person, don’t feel bad. You haven’t failed them as a parent but try
not allow this become a regular pattern.
The bottom line is that children need to feel safe in their
own sleep environment. We spend a lot of time ensuring that their sleep
environment is safe but they also need to feel safe. I suggest introducing a
comfort item such as a bear or blanket (not for babies under a year). Tell them
that the bear is going to stay awake the whole night to keep them safe. Let your child choose their own bed linen or
arrange the pillows the way they like them. I know that as a young child I suffered from “monsters”
that lived in my cupboard at night. Fill a spray can with water and tell your
child its anti- monster spray. Be creative, listen to your child’s needs and
help them sleep safely in their OWN bed.
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