Sleep in your OWN bed

I have three kids and I love them dearly. For me there is nothing better than lying in bed next to your child. I love to feel their warm little bodies snuggled closely next to mine, feeling their bodies relax as they slowly drift back to sleep. I am not saying that I have not on occasion fallen into the trap of bringing your child into your bed because all you want to do is go back to sleep but let me make my position very clear from the start: Children are to sleep in their OWN bed period (or full stop as we say in Africa).

Your bed is to be shared between you and your spouse and is to be reserved for sleeping and marital relations only. I feel so strongly about the sanctity of the bedroom that when we got married I made it quite clear to my husband that we will never have a television set in our bedroom and we are not allowed to argue in our bedroom.

As often happens in life there is the clear cut rule and then there the necessary adjustments to facilitate reality. Allow me to clarify.

I am not discussing co sleeping. While I am not personally a fan of this parenting approach, I do recognize the benefits of remaining close to your new born baby even at night. However, I must warn that co sleeping has to be done in a safe manner (invest in a safe co sleeper) and has to be a consensual agreement between both partners. Parents must also accept that there has to be a point where your baby is transitioned into their own crib. Just like transitioning a toddler from their crib to a bed takes time and patience so too, this extra transition will take some effort but will ultimately help your child to learn to sleep independently. 

Many moms have confessed to me that when their baby wakes up at night they bring their baby to their bed to nurse and drift off back to sleep with the baby in their bed. I know that I have done it too but I always tried to take the baby back to their own crib as soon as possible. This type of accidental co sleeping could result in sleep issues as the baby grows accustomed to sleeping next to mom and it is unsafe for the baby.

I have said many times before that part of our job as parents is to teach our children how to sleep. Part of this process is teaching them how to sleep in their own beds for the whole sleep duration. Obviously there are going to be those nights where your children wake up scared, they have had a nightmare or are feeling sick. I suggest lying with your child in their bed and helping them fall asleep in their own space.

If you do feel the tug of blankets as your child tries to climb into your bed undetected in the middle of the night gently lead them back to their own bed and stay with them until they fall asleep again. If they do manage to come into your bed undetected and you wake up in the morning next to a little person, don’t feel bad. You haven’t failed them as a parent but try not allow this become a regular pattern.

The bottom line is that children need to feel safe in their own sleep environment. We spend a lot of time ensuring that their sleep environment is safe but they also need to feel safe. I suggest introducing a comfort item such as a bear or blanket (not for babies under a year). Tell them that the bear is going to stay awake the whole night to keep them safe.  Let your child choose their own bed linen or arrange the pillows the way they like them. I know that as a young child I suffered from “monsters” that lived in my cupboard at night. Fill a spray can with water and tell your child its anti- monster spray. Be creative, listen to your child’s needs and help them sleep safely in their OWN bed.

Become your baby's sleep coach

Confession: I hate hospitals. Just the thought of sick people, white coats, stethoscopes, drips and needles makes me nervous. This is surprising considering that I am married to a doctor and we discuss medical issues everyday. When my first daughter was born by c-section, my thoughts soon turned to how can I get out of this hospital. Luckily I managed to convince the doctors and nursing staff to discharge me early on the premise that my husband can take care of my medical needs (this was not the first time I had pulled this trick). And so I arrived home prematurely with my newborn baby girl, completely clueless and naive about the endless sleepless nights I was about to endure.

Its normal for newborn babies to cry at night. Firstly their brains are underdeveloped and they lack the neurological connections to facilitate any organised form of sleep. Secondly, newborns need to eat, every two to three hours, so sleepless nights are on the cards for the first few weeks.The best way to deal with their erratic sleep schedule is to establish healthy sleep habits and set up a daytime and bedtime routine.

Typically, at the age of four months babies have developed a more regular sleep wake cycle. As their brains develop, sleep becomes a less erratic, more organised behavior. Usually around the age of four to six months, babies are capable of "sleeping through the night" which generally means a stretch of eight to twelve hours. In my experiences as a sleep consultant I have met many babies who do indeed just start sleeping through the night and even more babies who don't. 

My first daughter fitted into the second category. She continued to cry every two to three hours at night for the first six months. Determined to go back to sleep as quickly as possible, I entered her room like a sleep-walking robot and nursed her back to sleep until the next cry. My life became a blur of sleepless nights and difficult days as the demands from work and home continued to build. It was a friend who actually suggested sleep training. Although I had all the knowledge its much more difficult to put theory into practice on your own child. Looking back it was a defining moment in my life, I came to the realization that we teach our children how to do everything; how to walk, talk, eat solid food etc and in the case of my own baby I had to teach her how to sleep. 

Sleep training has become a very temperamental word in mommy circles, it is often associated with "cry it out" and suggested by people who mean well but have no idea of your personal situation. Every mommy group, internet sight and book advocates a different sleep training method guaranteed to work. Personally, I find the information overwhelming and cant imagine what it must feel like for a first time mom.

If you do decide its time for sleep training here are a few tips:

1. Sleep training is hard, don't let anybody fool you, it requires work, commitment and no matter what method you decide to use, there is going to be some form of crying, guaranteed. 

2. Choose one method and stick with it for at lease two to three weeks.

3. Before you start consider your baby's age, physical and mental health, baby's temperament etc.

4. The timing has to be right for you (meaning both parents) and you have to feel ready.

In my case my daughter was not nursing at night because she was hungry she was using me as the sleep cue to go back to sleep. Kim West, more famously known as the sleep lady, is quoted as saying, "become a sleep coach not a sleep crutch". I suggest removing any "sleep crutch" such as nursing, pacifier or rocking your baby and simply sooth them back to sleep. Rub their back, sing or use any calming technique at your fingertips to ease your baby back to sleep. 

This is simply a gentle way to ease your baby back to sleep. Its not necessarily sleep training. If you are feeling confused I really do recommend that you speak to a sleep consultant about the best sleep training method for you. Their motivating factor should be what is best for your family and give customized advice to address your needs.  

I have to emphasize choosing how and when to sleep train is a very important decision. You must make sure that the timing is right for you, that you are mentally ready to commit to the sleep training method you have chosen. It takes time and it takes work but the best thing you can do for your child is teach them how to sleep.

Who was really "on call" last night

Ninety nine percent of the time its the mom who calls me for a sleep consultation. The reason is obvious WE ARE USUALLY THE ONES AWAKE AT NIGHT WITH THE CRYING BABY. I know there are some super dads out there and I definitely don't want to take anything away from them but lets face facts us moms are hardwired to those cute but sleepless little munchkins and we are usually the ones to respond to their nightly calls for help.

This past Friday night in the Romain house was one such example. My husband is a doctor and he was on call at the hospital until 10:00 pm. I remained calm at the prospect of doing shabbat dinner alone with three sick kids (they had the flu) and even looked forward to my time with them. The evening went like clockwork. They were all bathed before candle lighting. In keeping with the bedtime routine we had dinner at the normal time. Following main course, each child was duly given their dose of paracetamol and anti histamine, then we brushed teeth, read our bedtime story (we are really into the Mr Men books at the moment) and I happily watched as each one drifted off sound asleep. 

Finally some quiet....... or so I thought.

I was awakened at various intervals throughout the night. Three times by my eldest daughter, once because her duvet was not straight (I was NOT happy). Twice by my middle daughter and three times by my son, who woke up at 5:00 am bursting with energy ready to start the day (I was NOT happy).

What followed was an argument with my husband of who was really on call that night. My shift lasted longer than his and I was unable to simply give my "patients" more sedative.

The honest truth about sleep coaching is that its all relative. Bad nights are going to happen, its written in small print in the parenting manual. By the time our kids are old enough not to need us at night when they feel distressed we will be waiting up for our teenagers to come home after a night out. Just accept that not sleeping the whole night every night is part of parenting.

Secondly, the concept of sleeping through the night is age dependent. A newborn who sleeps two to three hours between feeds at night  has indeed slept through the night. After six months if your baby has done a nine to ten hour stretch they have certainly slept through the night (even if that stretch ended at 4:00 am). I definitely expect my seven-year old daughter to sleep ten to eleven hours at night without waking me up because her bed is messy! 

Thirdly, parents need to decide what their current sleep goal is for their child. If you want the truth my son woke up to nurse twice a night until he was nine months. I tolerated it because I accepted that as the current situation but another mother in the same boat might be calling me up for a consultation because their nine month old baby is still waking up to nurse at night. You need to do what is right for you without compromising on you and your child's need to sleep. 

The role of the sleep consultant is to assess the sleep situation and decide on the best way to ease the child into "sleeping through the night". This is age dependent, parenting style dependent and comes with an acceptance that your child will sleep peacefully most nights but not every night.

There is no magic formula and we have few tricks up our sleeves. I truly believe that having a consistent bedtime routine and establishing healthy sleep habits are the tools we must utilize to minimize the nights when we are "on call" for our kids.

P.S I have renamed this blog "confessions of a sleep consultant" because I can only draw from my sleep knowledge and personal experiences and truthfully we don't get it right all the time. I invite comments and questions that I will try to address in future posts.