What I really wanted to say...

I don't know about you but it often happens to me that when I am in conversation with someone they might make a comment or ask a question and its only days later that I think of the perfect response. A few months ago I met my ex boss from my working days in South Africa. In polite conversation  she asked me how I was settling into life in Israel in after making Aliya five years previously. I replied that while we were doing great there are still moments when I feel like a new immigrant. "You know Heidi" she had said to me "when one emigrates to a new country you will never fully fit in, you will always feel like an immigrant". I politely agreed and we moved on. Here's what I should have said..

Look around you, almost every Israeli has a story of how they got here. In essence Israel is just a melting pot of  "immigrants" who have found their way home. I am proud to be home and I'm proud to be part of the story.

Recently, while shopping in a mall,  I met a grandmother who was enjoying a morning out with her daughter and grandchild. "Tell me something", she demanded, "my grandchild is almost nine months old, surely babies should be sleeping through the night at this age." Once again  here is what I should have said...

Not necessarily. Who is dictating this rule to us? All the sleep books? The internet? Sleep experts? While its true that most babies after the age of six months usually tend to sleep through the night its certainly not true for all babies. Some babies develop this skill after six weeks and some only start to sleep through the night after a year.

There are a few misconceptions about sleep and sleep training which I feel must be clarified.

Babies don't read the books

Please please remember that any chart published about average sleep requirements for babies are exactly that, a list of average numbers based on a certain sample population. Your baby might fall into that  average or he may not. Some babies sleep less and some sleep more. You shouldn't have unrealistic expectations about the duration of your baby's sleep.

Every child in unique

I know this seems quite obvious but every child is different. What worked for your oldest might not work for your baby. Even worse is that we so often compare ourselves to our friends or other moms on Facebook groups. Just because their six month old is sleeping through the night doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

The internet said...

All the information available today is very empowering but also has its dangers. If you do decide to change your baby's sleep patterns please remember to take into consideration your baby's personality, your parenting approach and what will work best for your family. There is no standard sleep approach that works for everyone.

Most importantly please remember that as parents we all get it wrong sometimes. Don't be too hard on yourself if your child has developed some negative sleep habits. In my experience negative sleep habits can almost always be changed into positive ones given time and patience. Sometimes as mothers we have to remind ourselves to worry a little less and breath a little more.

Warning labels for newborns.

I have just read a recent article doing its rounds on facebook entitled "They should've warned me." In case you missed it, the article is written by a first time mom who said she received lots of "warnings" about what to expect but no-one warned her that she would feel an instantaneous overwhelming sense of love for her newborn child. 

It got me thinking that if babies did come with warning labels it might look something like this:

WARNING

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AHEAD

FEED REGULARLY

REQUIRES FREQUENT DIAPER CHANGES

DANGER IF NOT BURPED

COMMUNICATES BY CRYING ONLY

YOU WILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY

When it comes to sleep I think there is one thing we are not warned about. Every baby is different. Some are sleepers, some are not, some are soothed by touch, some are not, some feed well from the start and some don't. It might seem like I am stating the obvious but a baby's personality type is closely linked to their sleep and understanding your child from the start is key to establishing healthy sleep.

For example, mother A and B both have babies at the same time. They both attended the same anti natal class and read the same baby books. Both are equally prepared for their new arrival. Baby A sleeps well from the start, feeds regularly and by six weeks baby A is sleeping through the night just like the book said he would. Baby B is fussy, does not enjoy being swaddled, cries during the night and is difficult to sooth. The difference is not in the parenting approach its in the personality type of the baby.   

I am speaking from experience because I was the mother of baby B and recall those feelings of helplessness and despair wondering where I had gone wrong. If I had pinpointed my daughter's personality type at the time I would have done things very differently.

I have based my personality types on the book "secrets of a baby whisperer" by Tracy Hogg. Tracy Hogg was a British born nurse who was dubbed the "baby whisperer" for her intuitive understanding of babies and how to communicate with them. She identified five baby types which I think you will recognize even if you have older children because, lets face it, personality traits only get stronger and kids get older. 

Angel baby

Angel babies are generally calm, always smiling and undemanding. Their cues are easy to read. They are not bothered by new surroundings and are very portable. They feed easily and usually sleep easily. Its the kind of baby every first time pregnant mom expects to get.

Textbook baby

These babies are very predictable. They reach each milestone on cue just like the book said they should. They do get upset but are generally easy to calm and are usually easy sleepers. 

Touchy baby

These babies are very sensitive to external stimuli. They are often bothered by noises, bright light, hot and cold and too much touching. They get upset when too many people have held them. They can play by themselves but often need reassurance that mom or dad or caregiver is close by. They often cry for no apparent reason, feed erratically and are thrown when their schedule is changed in any way. 

Spirited baby

This baby knows exactly what she likes and doesn't like and will let you know immediately if something is wrong. She cries easily when something is troubling her such as a wet diaper, she babbles loudly and her body language tends to be a bit jerky. 

Grumpy baby

These babies are very fussy, fidgety and irritable. They generally don't like to be bathed, have trouble feeding because they become impatient when they hunger need is not met immediately.

The good news there is a way to deal with each kind of baby. Even the fussiest of babies can be soothed to sleep. but first you have to understand your child's personality type.

Not even the most advanced untra-sound in the world can warn us as to what baby personality we are going to get. So consider yourself warned, when your baby is born you are going to feel and indescribable overwhelming sense of love for them no matter what their personality type.

The coolest way to sleep

Israel is a country of extremes. While shopping, you are either going to receive extremely good service or extremely bad service. The products you wish to purchase are either going to be extremely expensive or on an extremely good sale. Even the weather follows a pattern of extremes and right now it is extremely hot!

The relationship between body temperature and sleep is well documented. Our internal body temperature follows a 24 hour rhythm. Our average body temperature is about 37 degrees Celsius but fluctuates about a degree depending on the time of day. The lowest point occurs between 4 am to 5 am when we are usually in a deep sleep. It starts to rise at  6 am and reaches a peak at 12 pm. There is another dip in body temperature around 2 pm (about half a degree) and then body temperature rises to a peak at about 6 pm. After that our internal body temperature starts to fall again reaching its lowest point in the early hours of the morning. My description is purposely written in general terms because of course its dependent on many factors one of them being the place on the body where the measurements were taken. I am basing these numbers on average rectal temperature for the average healthy adult, should you wish to try this at home.

The interesting thing is that body temperature is very closely related to our levels of alertness. Simple personal observation (much less invasive than a rectal thermometer) should confirm this. As our body temperature rises at 6 am we are generally waking up. We are active the whole morning until 2 pm. This drop in body temperature is commonly referred to as our afternoon dip in alertness. We feel alert again until 6 pm. This is usually the time when our kids go crazy and we are panicking because its almost bed time. One of the main contributing factors to their sudden burst of energy is a peak in their body temperature. Please remember that what goes up must come down. As that peak in body temperature begins to drop, your kids should start to feel more sleepy. It would make sense that our body temperature drops while we are sleeping and inactive but keep in mind that the drop in body temperature cues the sleepiness not the other way around. So if you are very active in the night you are still going to feel sleepy because your internal body temperature has dropped. Whether you respond to those sleepiness cues or not is your decision.

This 24 hour rhythm of body temperature and levels of alertness is usually programmed in babies after about 6 weeks. We need to be aware of our children's sleepiness cues which brings me to my favorite topic: routine, routine, routine!

Of course living in the middle of a desert which is cleverly disguised as a modern city comes with its challenges. Its very hot outside and we have to cool down at night in order to cue sleep. Its not comfortable to sleep in a hot environment so for every member of the family the environmental temperature plays an important role in healthy sleep. Dr Harvey Karp suggests that your baby's room should be warmer during the day and cooler at night. Recommended nighttime environmental temperature between 16- 21 degrees Celsius for infants and babies (also linked to prevention of SIDS). For toddlers and children the recommended room temperature is between 18 and 22 degrees Celsius.

I am not going to recommend any one method of keeping the room cool, fans, air conditioner or even an open window are acceptable. Please make sure your child is not sleeping next to the open window. Dress them in cool breathable pajamas with a single layer of bedding.

I appreciate that some of my readers are currently experiencing winter. Keep the room warm (follow recommendations above) but don't overheat your child's sleep environment. Don't overdress your child and add just one extra layer of bedding, don't smother them with too many blankets.

Whether you are currently day dreaming of the snow or sitting on a hot beach eating ice creams, I wish you all a healthy sleep in a comfortable, temperature-controlled room.

Feeling safe

My five year old daughter has bright red hair together with  a fiery personality. Her sharp mind is matched by her sharp tongue. She will have no problem explaining to you how the world works according to her. A few months ago I was talking to her about microorganisms. We discussed what they are, where we can find them and that some are helpful while others can make us sick. I certainly managed to feed her ever growing thirst for knowledge but the aftermath of these fruitful discussions was that she became afraid to fall asleep. It took a lot of convincing before I was able to assure her that the microorganisms were not going to eat her while she was sleeping.If she only knew that of the 100 trillion cells in our body only on tenth are human and the rest are bacteria, viruses and other microorganisms. In other words when we look at ourselves in the mirror we are made up of more microbes than human.

Recent events in Israel have left us feeling very exposed and unsafe. I don't think there is a single mother in Israel who has slept soundly at night since the news broke of the three kidnapped boys. Truthfully I don't know how the mothers of Naphtali, Gilad and Eyal can find a moments rest. My personal prayer is that they should be returned home safely and speedily and that their families find the strength to never give up hope. News of this unforgivable act of terrorism has been shared on everyone's facebook page, twitter and e mail. Prayer for the boys safe return is on everyone's lips.The slogan BRING OUR BOYS BACK has already been posted on buses and I believe you can buy the T-shirt.

The question remains how do we talk to our children about what has happened? I am no psychologist and I am certainly not even going to attempt to answer this question. Our kids very keenly aware of what is going on. Whether the teacher has discussed it in kindergarten (which I heard was the case in some schools) or they have heard it from their friends in the playground or even from the hushed discussions between parents when we think they aren't listening, the fact remains that our children know that three boys were taken away from their mommies and we don't know where they are.

I have heard of a few parents voicing concerns that their children are now afraid to fall asleep at night. Children sometimes function outside of the realm of logic. Arguing that the door is locked, mommy is here or that no-one can climb through the window and take you away might not be enough. My advice is to give your child one thing to focus on, that they know will keep them safe. It could be their favorite bear (who is going to stay awake the whole night to watch them), blanket or pillow or any other object that your child personally connects to as something that gives them a sense of security. For my son its the red light from the mosquito coil that keeps him safe and for my daughter taking a bath every night kills all microorganisms and keeps her safe while she is sleeping. It doesn't have to be logical just a single thing that your child associates with love, safety and security.

I also recommend spending that extra five to ten minutes tucking them in at night. Give them one extra cuddle and reassure them that they are loved and safe. We have a sleep time motto that I recite with my children as I am tucking them in: "I am safe. I am tired. It's okay to sleep". I am sure that you can come up with your own more creative one but this one works for us.

Avoid getting into an argument with your children or start shouting and threatening them with punishment. If they climb out of bed put them straight back in bed. Be firm but loving. Try not to show signs of anger as this will just add to their insecurity. Help your child to feel loved and safe while making it clear that it is time to sleep.

My heartfelt prayer is that our children are returned home safely and speedily. May G-d grant strength to their families. Let them know that their pain is shared by all of Am Israel and they are not alone.

Sometimes its okay to break the rules

From a young age we are taught the value of rules and boundaries. Color in the lines, don't stick your hand in the fire (yes in Africa I grew up with a fire place), wear matching clothes and behave! The entire school system is based on following rules in order to achieve the desired outcome. We are so institutionalized in this way of thinking that certainly the idea of "thinking outside the box" is sometimes so far out of our comfort zones we are afraid to do it. Many parenting books (especially the sleep ones) are simply a compilation of rules and boundaries set up by that particular author, follow my formula and your baby will sleep.

Admittingly, I am one of those people  who thrives in rules. Give me a structure so that I can function safely within it. Last night I received a wake up call. Since its the last month of our school year, we are very busy with end of year concerts. Naturally they are all in the early evening because I am clearly the only parent in Jerusalem who is following the rules of a regular bath and bedtime. Yesterday evening I BROKE THE RULES at six o clock in the evening my children (aged 3 and 5) were not in their scheduled bath but rather sitting in a hall watching their sisters dance concert. The sleep consultant had broken her bedtime rules, the sacred schedule had been tampered with and guess what my children not only survived they had fun. While it felt good to bend the rules I do have some cautionary comments to make:

1.Adjusting the bedtime routine is definitely allowed from time to time but there needs to be a norm which is firmly established so that children and even young babies will be able to sense the difference.

2. I didn't break the rules, I bent them. I still bathed my children before we left and packed sandwiches for them to eat so theoretically they still ate dinner at their regular time. When we arrived home at eight thirty all we had to do was change into pajamas, brush teeth and bedtime.

3. You need to know, this is especially true of babies, that sleep deprived kids usually do not sleep well at night. Sleep debt is not something that once incurred can be paid off with subsequent sleeps. Once you have lost that time to sleep its gone forever. Remember that your body is not sleeping while you are sleeping. Many vital processes occur during sleep and persistent sleep deprivation will eventually take its toll on your physical well being.

4. A routine itself should allow for some degree of flexibility. As long is your child is going to sleep at the same- ish time every night and that the series of events  that lead up to sleep usually occur in some regular order, then you have successfully established a bedtime routine.

So I confess that even the sleep consultant occasionally messes with the bedtime routine but in order to bend the rules you have to have them firmly established in the first place.

Seven years and diaper free

Since the birth of my daughter in 2007 I have been wiping little bums and changing diapers. By the time the one child was ready to be toilet trained the next baby had already arrived. So I now find myself in the awkward situation of living in a house with three toilet trained kids. I experienced an immense sadness as I watched my son independently run to the bathroom to do his thing, he even asks me to close the door so he can have some “privacy”. The heart-wrenching loss of realising that you are no longer a mother of small babies has left me with a rather unexpected empty feeling.

It all started two weeks ago when my husband told the kindergarten teacher that my son was ready to be toilet trained. “Great”, she replied “bring him to kindergarten in underpants and let’s see how he manages.” I was so angry at my husband, “he may be ready” I moaned, “but I am not”. Needless to say after only two accidents he is successfully toilet trained and of course I had to hear the unwanted “I told you so” from my spouse.

I was so stuck in the current state of affairs that I was unable to shift into a new reality. This got me thinking about my real passion which is sleep. Often as parents we convince ourselves that our child simply can’t take the next step. My child cannot sleep through the night she has to nurse at least twice at night, my baby cannot move into a bed he will sleep in his crib until he is twenty, my child has to sleep with her pacifier and my baby does not know how to fall asleep on her own. Any of these sound familiar?

The truth is that our children are more adaptable than you think. Their primary focus is to grow and develop, constantly pushing the boundaries whereas many of us are quite content in our comfort zones sometimes immobilised by fear to move forward. Your baby can sleep through the night; they are capable of falling asleep on their own and in their own beds. Sometimes introducing this change takes a little work and sometimes it takes a monumental effort on the part of the parent. I can assure you that if you stay committed through any process of change, you will eventually reap the rewards.

I conclude by encouraging all of us (especially me) to move out of our comfort zones, take risks, be active and most importantly believe in yourself and your child.

"Sweet" Dreams

I have just come home after doing the grocery shopping with a slightly sick feeling in my stomach. This is not because Jerusalem is currently experiencing a dust storm and I must have inhaled at least a kilogram of dust by now nor is it due to the absolutely unfriendly, unhelpful staff synonymous with the Israeli shopping experience.

The amount of junk food on display enticing the consumer to buy truckloads of this sugared junk was simply overwhelming. It is as if the store-owner placed a highly sophisticated bomb in the store, filled it with chocolate and candy and set it off to explode at the precise moment when all the Jews are looking for food to place in their mishluach manot (Purim gifts). Most of the candies displayed were really gooey balls of preservatives coated with large amounts of sugar disguised as something you can actually eat.

Of course come Purim we will happily exchange your bag of sugared junk for our bag of sugared junk and watch our kids spike a sugar rush as the day continues. The connection between a diet rich in simple carbohydrates (candy, cakes and cookies) and bad sleep well documented.

High sugar foods lead to a rise in blood sugar levels. This in turn signals the pancreas to release the hormone insulin which results a significant drop in blood sugar levels. In order to try and re-stabilize blood sugar levels, the body will signal the adrenal glands to release the stress hormone adrenaline which counteracts sleep and feelings of fatigue.

Our nerve cells (neurons) continuously communicate with each other via chemical messengers called neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters can either excite or calm the nervous system. One of the main neurotransmitters regulating sleep is called serotonin. Serotonin is made from the amino acid tryptophan. So it would be sensible to suggest that eating foods rich in tryptophan would in turn increase the production of serotonin and ultimately calm the nervous system and ready our bodies for sleep.

Foods rich in the amino acid tryptophan include turkey, chicken, milk, egg, nuts (almonds, cashews and walnuts), bananas, beans, fish, cheese and oats. However these foods should be eaten at least two hours before bedtime to allow for the proper absorption and digestion of tryptophan. If your bedtime routine is similar to mine then dinner, bath and bedtime follow in quick succession. Try giving your child these foods to eat at lunch or as an afternoon snack (oatmeal and bananas; scrambled eggs; yogurt or cheese on crackers). This will allow enough time for the tryptophan to be absorbed. Naturally avoid afternoon snacks such as sugared candy, processed juice and caffeine (e.g. soda).

I am not saying that a healthy diet will guarantee a good night’s sleep but there is a definite, measurable connection between the two.

I am sure the store-owner is not going to lose any sleep worrying about the upcoming candy induced sugar rush he helped promote. I know that Purim is a one day deviation from our normal healthy diets (actually it’s more like a three day weekend if you live in Jerusalem) but my message is clear. What we eat during the day is going to have a significant impact on our sleep. Keep it healthy!